Friday, December 25, 2015
Dessny Family Christmas Card & Annual Recap 2015
Dear Family and Friends,
We hope this Christmas Card finds you happy and well during this glorious 2015 Yuletide season. It has been an interesting and challenging year for the Dessny family, to say the least.
Our cat, Fluffy, used up all nine of her lives after nibbling on a limited edition field of Stargazer Lilies that Zynga had given us without warning us that they were fatal to felines.
My daughter, Chooella found the poor pussycat lying there lifeless and did not know what to make of it. While initially inconsolable, I sat her down and carefully explained to her that the cold, bony hand of death eventually comes for us all, and it was just Fluffy's time to enter the dark void of eternal nothingness. I think she got the message.
Several days later I overheard her telling her brother, "Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all." I've never been so proud! She sure is a chip off the old block!
Mrs. Choo had gone missing after a fateful day exploring the local cave in search of precious minerals we could sell at market to sustain the farm.
I sent a robotic drone mounted with a remote webcam into the cave to search for her, but it was destroyed by a giant spider. I fear that Mrs. Choo likely suffered the same fate.
When the children asked me where their mother was I did not have the heart to tell them that she was almost certainly murdered and eaten by a giant spider. So instead, I told them, "Mommy ran away to another a farm because you are both very bad little children. If you behave yourselves and work hard to finish your daily farm chores she may return to us some day." It seems to have worked; our farm's productivity is up by 20%!
I joined the Farmers Only online dating service in hopes of finding a new wife, but they kicked me off after numerous complaints.
Apparently, gift wrapping my junk and sending pictures of it to random women was not the best approach to online dating. You live and you learn!
Our dog Choo-Labby is still alive and well, but as you can see from our Christmas card, he insists on pissing on just about everything in sight, including the children. I forgot to teach the children about not eating the yellow snow, but they seem to enjoy it, so who am I to spoil their fun?
Our other dog Choo-Collie was found hanging from a tree by the neck. Apparently the arduous task of herding and barking at my farm animals all day long was too much for him to bear, so he took his own life.
Choo, Jr. was the one who found him, and he was very upset. He asked me if it's really true that all dogs go to Heaven. I said, "Yes son, but only the good ones. Suicidal dogs are condemned to burn in eternal hell fire." He cried even harder then, but I think he learned a valuable life lesson that day.
Speaking of the children, Zynga has failed to provide them with winter clothes, in spite of my repeated requests. Consequently, Choo Jr. has lost several toes to frostbite, and Chooella has cracked or lost most of her teeth on account of her incessant shivering and teeth chattering.
Hopefully the kids will survive the winter, because they are an invaluable source of free farm labor, but it's really anyone's guess. The harsh brutalities of life on a farm always hit the little ones the hardest.
I took Carlos to the vet after his wife Carlotta complained their eggs would not hatch.
The doctor examined him and informed us that the radiation exposure Carlos endured at Chernobyl had made him sterile.
Upon learning of this, Carlotta broke into my General Store account and stole all of my farm bucks to purchase scores of turkeys to properly inseminate her. Repeatedly.
She subsequently divorced Carlos and is believed to be living on a bunny ranch somewhere in Nevada.
As for me, I continue to crawl deeper and deeper into the bottle. Between the theft of my life savings, the loss of my wife, the stress of running a farm that can barely sustain itself and the soul-crushing despair of my meaningless existence, I find that excessive consumption of alcohol is my only means of achieving even a modicum of the barely recognizable illusion of happiness I once knew.
Admittedly, this has led to many problems. I often awake in strange places with no recollection of the events of the night prior. Sometimes I wake up naked in jail and must read the list of charges pending against me in order to find out what I had done to get there.
I used to have hope. Hope for myself, my family, my farm, and mankind. But then I realized that hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man. So now I just drink and I pray for the sweet embrace of death.
Yes, I said pray. In spite of it all, I do still have faith in the almighty Cornfish God and I pray to him - not for my own salvation, for it is too late for me and all is lost - but for the damnation of the souls of those who cheat at the State Fair. Your day of reckoning shall eventually come, and you shall pay dearly, you dirty sons of bitches! May the vengeance of the Cornfish God soon be upon you! You will beg for mercy, but none shall come! Rot in hell, you bastards!
Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and stuff! <3