Ever since seeing the show Mad Men, I decided that I wanted to pursue a career in advertising.
But five and a half decades ago.
This was back in the good old days, where being an ad man apparently meant schmoozing with coworkers while getting drunk in the office before noon, banging your secretary in the broom closet and then popping out for a three hour lunch. Back to the office then, just in time for the big meeting where you deliver a jaw-droppingly ingenious campaign to the big potential new client and single-handedly save the company.
Since time travel is not yet possible, and since I look nothing like Jon Hamm, here I am stuck in the future... err, the present... scrolling through my Facebook feed and seeing all these people with fledgling or floundering co-ops begging for people to join them so they can finally have half a chance at hitting their goal for once. So naturally I'm thinking, hey I'm a wannabe ad man; I should help these people advertise their co-ops and make zero dollars and bang zero secretaries in the process! Brilliant!
This brings us to our new Turkey Troubles feature called Choo Dessny's Super Awesome Co-Op Ads! (Insert fanfare here.)
This is where I will showcase my talents, or lack thereof, in creating mind-numbingly lackluster and totally unsolicited advertisements for desperate co-op owners who didn't even ask me to do so, which is where the unsolicited part I mentioned earlier comes into play.
But they don't have to be unsolicited anymore. Now that we have a page devoted to this bizarre little hobby of mine, you can actually request me to create an advertisement for your co-op! Isn't this exciting?
So if you want a graphical advertisement for your co-op that you can systematically spam across multiple FV2 Facebook groups with pride, just pop me a sweet little note down in the comments section there, or message me on Facebook and ask nicely while gently stroking my delicate ego and including pertinent details such as the co-op name, the motto, the mascot, the rules of the co-op, or whatever else you want to be included. If you need a Facebook cover pic for your co-op's Facebook page you can ask for that too. Sometimes I make the co-op ads in cover size anyway so they can serve double-duty, as I am a man of efficiency.
Several things to note:
- If your co-op's motto sucks I reserve the right to change it, and if you forget to tell me your co-op's motto I will make one up, and it probably will be something that is hilarious to me but horrifying to you.
- People who type "coop" instead of "co-op" irritate the hell out of me because it makes me think of chicken coops and those things are downright disgusting, so don't do that, k?
- You can tell me what kind of picture you envision for your ad, but that's no guarantee I will be able to pull it off, since my artistic skills are next to nil.
- Co-op ads are done on a first-come, first-serve basis. Offering me sexual favors may or may not convince me to expedite your co-op ad, depending on your level of attractiveness and the size of your bazoombas. Consider including nude selfies with your ad request so as not to leave anything to chance.
- Offering me exorbitant sums of cash money, however, will guarantee expedited service.
- If your co-op is named after yourself, I will probably create a very crappy co-op ad for you because that kind of thing really annoys me. I find it to be lazy, narcissistic and uncreative. I mean, who wants to be a member of "[Insert Random Person's Name Here] Co-Op" anyway? Take it from a lazy narcissist who uncreatively named his co-op after his dumb blog: put some imagination into your co-op name!
- Usually my creations are inspired by the name of the co-op, so chances are if your co-op has a boring name the ad will also be boring. Also, if I absolutely hate the name of your co-op, I may change its name to something that I arbitrarily deem to be more clever. You have no control over this, but you will probably be thankful deep down inside, even though you would never admit it.
- My creative process typically begins by stealing a picture from the internet and then Photoshopping the text applicable to your co-op over it. By requesting me to create your co-op ad, you implicitly agree not to turn me in to the internet police, because snitches get stitches. Capisce?
- Depending on my level of drunkenness upon embarking on the journey of creating your co-op advertisement, it may turn out awesome and upbeat, snarky and/or sarcastic, or sardonic, crappy and/or lame. Let this handy scale of my drunkenness be your guide:
Unfortunately, you won't know how drunk I am when I begin work on your co-op ad, so the above drunkometer is basically useless to you. But hey, just think of your co-op ad by Choo Dessny as a fun game of Russian roulette. You might actually dodge a bullet and end up being pleasantly surprised with the ad I create for you! (This is unlikely.)
And now, without further ado, for your amusement and amazement, here are all the super awesome co-op ads I have done so far! (I will add more of my co-op ad creations to this page periodically, so be sure to check back every single day!)
This person said she was involved in a recent break-up and feeling very alone, so she named her co-op "alone co-op." Stupid name, but I felt bad for her and made this cool ad. But she never even said "thanks" to me. What a bitch move, amirite? No wonder she's alone.
I don't remember who this ad was for. I think it may have been someone at the Zynga Player Forums. I remember thinking the name was clever, thus inspiring me to create the ad, but I also recall they never thanked me for it. So if you have a co-op in need of a cool advertisement, feel free to rename it "Legendairy Co-Op" and steal this ad. I really couldn't care less.
Too drunk to even remember making this one. Ravenwood Co-Op? Is this a TV show or something? I don't even. That guy on the right kinda looks like Chuck Norris, but I don't think it's really him. Perhaps he is Chuck Norris' younger and less successful brother, Morris Norris.
HELPING HAND CO-OP
Don't really recall any specifics regarding this ad I made for Helping Hand co-op. It was one of my earlier efforts. I remember making up the motto though, which is pretty good, cuz it like rhymes and stuff. "We'll give you the help you need to succeed!" Hell yeah, that motto totally rocks. Don't try to steal it, I've got it copyrighted!
NIGHT OWLS CO-OP
Did this one for another ingrate who didn't thank me for my hard work. Stupid owls.
I made this for a really nice fellow named Richard Turner. I feel kinda bad and wish I could have made something better for him because he's a super cool guy, but his co-op's name is "Turnakrop" so WTF am I supposed to do with that, right? Sheesh, I'm not a miracle worker, people! Ya gotta give me something to work with.
DANDY BOY CO-OP
The name of Deeanne's co-op reminded me of that character "Dandy" from American Horror Story: Freak Show, so I based her co-op ad on that. I even went out and hunted down the AHS font and everything! I was so excited to show her, but then she was like "Oh, uhhh, yeah, ummm, thanks I guess?" So I'm thinking she might not be a fan of that show after all. Oh well. I tried.
I was pretty drunk when I made Dan's co-op ad. I guess I thought he kinda looked like a serial killer at the time, so I figured it would be important to touch upon that in his advertisement in order to reassure potential new members that they would not die by Dan's hand. In retrospect, this was probably not the best approach. And who am I to judge Dan, anyway? I don't even know the guy. He's probably a perfectly nice and non-murderous gentleman who probably never killed anyone. Probably.
HELPING U CO-OP
These two were made for a nice lady named Bobbie Tower Cannamela. Apparently it's her sister-in-law's co-op, whose last name is Penna, so naturally I thought of penne pasta, because who doesn't love pasta, right? But she didn't seem too happy or impressed with it for some reason, so I made her the even less impressive sheepish one below it. Pretty sure she hated that one too. There is just no pleasing some people.
HAPPY FARMS CO-OP
For this groundbreakingly innovative advertisement I decided to equate the word "happy" with the concept of utter insanity. I mean, hell, he looks happy, doesn't he? Who are we to judge? Unfortunately, Joanie wasn't nearly as amused by this avant-garde approach to co-op advertising as I was. Fun fact: The font used for the name of the co-op in this ad is called, "Pee_on_face."
I figured a FV2 recipe card would be the perfect format to advertise a co-op named after a delicious pasta dish. I worked hard on this one, and I really like how it came out. Robina said she liked it too and she even said thanks, which is a pretty rare experience for me. But I've seen her post additional text-only ads for her co-op after I made this for her, so for some reason she's not using it. Maybe because it's too punny, or maybe because I had to make up a motto since she didn't provide that information, or heck maybe she just doesn't know how to copy/paste pictures on the internet and is too ashamed to ask. It's OK, Robina, you don't have to be ashamed to ask for help. CTRL-C to copy & CTRL-V to paste. Easy, right? Now you try. Atta girl!
I made this brilliant ad for Staaby Co-Op on October 3, 2015. I even came up with that awesome slogan at the top. Perfect for Halloween time, don't you think? Well I don't think Liv agreed because she never replied to the post. Didn't get a thank you. Didn't get a F-U. Nothing. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. She just like totally ignored it. I guess the moral of the story is, if your last name is "Staaby" you should probably name your co-op something else.
This is a co-op ad I made for a couple of Harry Potter fans named Jackie and Kris who own a co-op called Accio Favors. Not being a Harry Potter fan myself, I had no idea what "Accio" meant when I saw them asking people to join their co-op. I googled it and found out it was an acquisition spell. So I guess that means when you command your magical stick thingy to "Accio favors," you are basically telling it to "bring me those favors over there!" Armed with this newfound information, I designed the ad to feature Hermoanie using her magic stick to steal favors from a befuddled Cornelius. Apparently Hermoanie is a huge klepto in the Harry Potter series, and that's why she eventually gets caught and thrown in jail and Harry Potter has to use his magic carpet to travel abroad and help her to escape in The Prisoner of Azerbaijan.
This co-op ad that I created for a nice young lady with the sexy name of Tiffany Labush is probably my best and favorite so far. Her co-op's name is "AnmalCrackrs," so of course I went for the obvious since I am notoriously lazy, and I modified a picture of a box of Animal Crackers. I renamed all the animals to names of FV2 animals, which is quite humorous, because a red goat's neck really isn't that long and a Manx Loaghtan sheep probably won't eat you alive. Tiffany said she liked the ad, but then she mysteriously disappeared from FV2 shortly thereafter and hasn't been seen since. Could my co-op ads be cursed? I do not know. It is a mystery. Not that I'd be surprised if they were.
I made this ad for Johanna's CrazyFarmerZ co-op, and I was pretty sure she was gonna hate it since most people who put "crazy" in the name of their co-ops aren't thinking "Jack Torrance-crazy," but just like, you know, mildly zany à la Lucille Ball, or someone like that. I even said "you are welcome" to her when I posted it since I was fairly certain that no "thank you" would be forthcoming. However, she replied and said she loved it, and she even thanked me! What a pleasant surprise!
FARM DIVAS CO-OP
Now I can't say for sure if Kathy Goolden's Farm Divas co-op is full of fat cows, but I guess that's just how I imagined it upon reading the co-op name. So naturally I based her co-op ad on the Kardashians. But something tells me it wasn't appreciated. I'm not sure if it's the fact that she didn't click like on it. Or maybe it's in the way she opted not to thank me for it. Or possibly it's because there was no reply at all. It has been about a month and a half since I posted this ad I made for her, and it's still sitting there without any acknowledgement whatsoever. Honestly, I just went and checked. Nothing. C'mon, people, if you hate the co-op ad I made for you, at least have the common decency to call me an asshole or something. Don't just ignore it and leave me hanging like this. That's not nice!
SWIFT SAPPHI CO-OP
As soon as I saw Amber Park's urgent entreaty for 24 players to join her co-op, I knew that she was in desperate need of my help. After all, a co-op only holds up to 25 members, so this girl was clearly in trouble. For a co-op of one is a lonely place to be. Therefore, like the co-op advertising superhero I am, I immediately sprung into action and created this gorgeous co-op advertisement which met all of her specifications. I got excited when she mentioned that her co-op's icon was the Korean flag, since I know all about Korea from eating at the local Korean BBQ buffet all the time. Reflecting on my vast Korean knowledge, I envisioned Korea's famous leader (Mao Tse-tung) standing tall and proud in a field of Korea's national flowers (Poppies), set against a backdrop of majestic Korean Mountains (Mount Fuji). Totally nailed it! Right? I know she's gonna love it and thank me up and down when she sees it. But I guess she hasn't seen it yet, because there has been no response. But it's only been about ten days since I posted it, so I'm not giving up hope yet! After all, the least I could do is give her another month or so to notice it and express her gratitude, like I did for Kathy Goolden.
THE STRANGE SAGA OF FUN FARMING CO-OP
That's all the co-op ads I have for now. Hopefully I will have more to share soon! Don't forget to post your request for me to create your co-op ad in the comments below, or e-mail me at email@example.com if you prefer!