Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Church of the Cornfish God

"When I admire the wonders of a sunset or the beauty of the moon, my soul expands in the worship of the creator."
-Mahatma Gandhi

One fine day last winter, Carlos and Choo Dessny, frolicking in the snow at play, did witness together a miracle whereupon a holy relic appeareth before them.  

The mysterious artifact resembled a statue of some kind, carved from the purest virgin ice and glistening in the light of the sun with a glow of divinity.

Choo sayeth unto Carlos, "All haileth the corn!"  

And Carlos sayeth unto Choo, "It looketh like a fish!"  

And thereupon He came to be known as the Cornfish God.  

So let it be written. So let it be done.

Whilst tilling the land and toiling in the fields on a subsequent day, a sacred book was revealed to the Prophet Choo Dessny, peeking out from beneath the soil betwixt the rows of corn.  

The ancient tome elucidated the great beneficence of the Cornfish God and how He created all good things.

Henceforth, the Prophet Choo Dessny vowed to preach the word of Cornfish God and spread His glory far and wide, converting the nonbelievers and sinners of FarmVille to walk the righteous path and be good neighbors to each other.

Preaching from the good book he had found, the Prophet Choo Dessny did teach the good farmers of the land about the creation of FarmVille, thusly:

In the beginning, Cornfish God created the farmland and the river.
And Cornfish God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And Cornfish God saw that the light was good. And Cornfish God separated the light from the darkness. Cornfish God called the light Day, and the darkness He called Night Buff Active. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

And Cornfish God said, “Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear.” And it was so. Cornfish God called the dry land Farm, and the waters that were gathered together he called River. And Cornfish God saw that it was good.

And Cornfish God said, “Let there be an expanse in the midst of the Farm lands, and let it separate the Farm from the Farm.” And Cornfish God made the expanse and separated the Farm lands that were west of the expanse from the Farm lands that were east of the expanse. And it was so. And Cornfish God called the expanse the Road. And Cornfish God called the Farm lands to the west the Pasture. And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.

And Cornfish God said, “Let the Farm sprout vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, on the Farm.” And it was so. The Farm brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Cornfish God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

And Cornfish God said, “Let there be lights in the expanse of the heavens to separate the day from the night. And let them be for signs and for seasons, and for days and years, and let them be lights in the expanse of the heavens to give light upon the Farm.” And it was so. And Cornfish God made the two great lights—the greater light to rule the day and the lesser light to rule the night buff active—and the stars. And Cornfish God set them in the expanse of the heavens to give light on the Farm, to rule over the day and over the night buff active, and to separate the light from the darkness. And Cornfish God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.

And Cornfish God said, “Let the River be filled with special plots of its own for planting of water crops.” So Cornfish God created the River plots and water crops. And Cornfish God saw that it was good. And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.

And Cornfish God said, “Let the Farm bring forth living creatures according to their kinds—livestock and beasts of the Farm according to their kinds.” And it was so. And Cornfish God made the beasts of the Farm according to their kinds and the livestock according to their kinds. And Cornfish God saw that it was good.

Then Cornfish God said, “Let us make farmers. And let them have dominion over the crops of the Farm and the River and over the beasts and the livestock and over all the Farm and over everything that lives on the Farm.” And Cornfish God blessed them. And Cornfish God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the Farm and subdue it, and have dominion over the crops of the Farm and the River and over every living thing that moves on the Farm.”  

And Cornfish God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of the Farm, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the Farm, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. And Cornfish God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Thus the Farm and the River were finished, and all the host of them. And on the seventh day Cornfish God finished His work that He had done, and He rested on the seventh day from all His work that He had done. So Cornfish God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, and Cornfish God said, “Behold, on this holy day all the Farmers of the Farms of the County shall gather together and hold a fair.  There will be games of chance and rides of thrill. Friendly competition, fun and frivolity shall rule the day, and a joyous celebration of the bounty of thy harvest shall be had by all.” And it was so. And Cornfish God saw that it was good.

Gal 6:7-9: ...whatsoever a farmer soweth, that shall he also reap.

Caressing the statue of Cornfish God is frowned upon.  This poor woman was struck by a bolt of lightning shortly after this photograph was taken.

John 10:10: The thief comes only to raid wells and plunder troughs and quest buildings; I have come that they may have water, and have it to the full.

Many believe that Cornfish God is responsible for giving us free water day, and they humbly pray to Him for another.  Alas, the farmers of FarmVille hunger greatly for liberal quantities of free resources.  

But Cornfish God is sagacious in His dispensations, for He knows the farmer's resource management skills must be tested and honed for him to prosper in lean times as in times of plenty.

Phil 4:8: ...whatever is planted, whatever is watered, whatever is fertilized, whatever is harvested—if anything is prized or heirloom—think about such things.

"The Creation of Farmer" is a fresco painting by Micornangelo, forming part of the Silkstine Chapel ceiling.  It illustrates the narrative from the Book of Polenta in which Cornfish God breathes life into Farmer, the first farmer of FarmVille.

Jer 29:11: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Cornfish God, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you prized crops and a first prize at the County Fair."

Delving deeper into the codex of the Cornfish God, the prophet Choo Dessny did encounter twelve commandments which he informed the farmers of the land they were expected to obey.

Like a carton of fresh eggs from the farm, the laws of the Cornfish God number one dozen and are easily broken by those who do not act with care.  The recommended penance for any transgressions of the divine edicts is a fortnight of self-flagellation with a wet cornstalk.


1. Thou shalt not raid thy neighbor's wells.

2. Thou shalt not gift thy neighbors trinkets of dubious value, such as bricks, metals, wood planks or feeds.

3. Thou shalt send thy neighbors a daily gift of water or fertilizer so that thy neighbors may prosper.

4. Thou shalt remember the day of the County Fair, to keep it holy.

5. Thou shalt not feed thy neighbor's chickens.

6. Thou shalt honour thy fertilizer rake and thy wells.

7. Thou shalt not ignore or disobey thy neighbor's signage.
8. Thou shalt not tend thy neighbor's short-term crops in the presence of long-term crops having greater need of tending.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's farm decorations.

10. Thou shalt love thy neighbor, as thyself.

11. Thou shalt not squander thy visit energies clicking on things which provide no benefit to thy neighbor.

12. Thou shalt not run thy fertilizer rake through thy neighbor, no matter how many foolish things he clicketh upon whilst visiting thy farm.

Prov 3:6:  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your crops prized.


Demonstrating his undying love, faith and commitment to the Cornfish God, the Prophet Choo Dessny did buildeth this corn maze in His honour.  

Dubbed the Amazing Maize Maze, farmers from all across the vast land of FarmVille did pilgrimage many miles just to bear witness to the sacred tribute.

The circuitous pathways through the cornfields symbolize the winding and perilous road we individual farmers all must traverse during our lifelong journey through FarmVille to reach salvation.

Rom 8:28: And we know that in all farm things Cornfish God works for the good of those who worship Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

As we faceth the challenges of farm life each day, we learneth that Cornfish God worketh in ways of mystery.  Cornfish God giveth, and Cornfish God taketh away.  Simple farmers such as we cannot ever hope to understandeth why He does the things He doeth, but we must accepteth and rejoice in His doings in faith, for divine wisdom is His alone to possess.

One of the greatest examples of this tenet can be found in the parable of "The Lamentable Leporid," as excerpted from the Book of Cob and illustrated below:



  1. Now Choo, are you certain the 'random meterorite' was random? Sounds like the Cornfish God punished that lil rabbit-what for, I cannot imagine.

    Dear God, my friiend, you are amazingly talented-keep it up, paleeeeze!

  2. Choo Dessney, you Dark Prince of Wither, we are the new splinter group, the Church of The Cornfish God and Latter-day Crops, also known as Carlistas. We have received a sign from above telling us that Carlos is the true prophet, and you are a false prophet. Following you will only lead to wither. Now kneel before Carlos, and start worshipping the turnip and all crops that come after level 60. In the name of the Cornfish, the Turkey, and the Prrize Shovel, amen.

    1. Blasphemer! How dareth ye speaketh this heresy! Begone, foul apostate!

    2. Bishop Buck ThornApril 25, 2014 at 1:46 AM

      Let that dragon hatching prize agave be a lesson, you heretic. Had you knelt down in worship of this mighty bestial fruitbearing Miracle of the Cornfish God this plague of the dragon would not have been upon you. But rest assured we are praying for your salvation, that you may one day farm once again on the farm of righteousness. Now worship the True Prophet (bountiful harvests be upon him).

    3. Mine thanks be to thee for thy prayers, o bishop. I hath sought spiritual guidance in the book of Corninthians and cometh to understanding thou hath been senteth to testeth mine faith. "These have cometh so that thine faith--of greater worth than farm bucks, which perisheth even though refined by Zynga--may be proveth genuine." Hence, to thee I extendeth mine gratitude. For I knoweth unshakable faith cometh from having thy faith shaken and when thy faith is tested, thy endurance hath opportunity to groweth as strong as the mightiest stalk of corn. May one thousand blessings of bountiful harvest be upon thee, and may ye goeth now in peace. P.S. I hath receiveth divine vision of wells that runneth over, and I hath prophesied a new day of boundless water is forthcoming. Heed my foretelling and prepareth thy farm, o bishop, for with great joy shall ye soon draw sempiternal waters from thy wells of salvation! Huskelujah!

    4. Bishop Buck ThornApril 28, 2014 at 7:19 AM

      I see the error of my ways now brother, you are the True Prophet. This was a test for both of us. I shall now continue on the path of the true faith. Huskelujah brother, huskelujah.

  3. Dearest Mother of all Corn, are you some sort of computer genius or what-you sooooooo crack me up! You really make me smile-thank you.

    1. You always say the sweetest things, thank you Laurel!