Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy Choo Year, 2016!

Well, I seem to have somehow made it through another year without killing myself.  Came close a few times, but still kickin'!

Let us hope that 2016 brings me many new, interesting and fun ways to almost kill myself!

It's New Year's Eve now, and I'm mixing up a special batch of cider! Ssshhh!  Don't tell Walter!  Hehehe...

Happy Choo Year, friends!  Love you all.  

Except YOU!  You know who YOU are!

Just kidding!  I love YOU too!  <3

My New Year's Resolutions:
  • Stop drinking... out of bottles.  Use a glass like a proper gentleman.
  • Stop smoking... cheap cigarettes, and find a good weed dealer.
  • Be more positive, and say YES more often... to indecent proposals.
  • Blog more... or less.

01/01/2016 Update:

Oh dear, that was some wild party last night!  How did I get up here?  Has anyone seen my clothes?  A little help, please?

Friday, December 25, 2015

Dessny Family Christmas Card & Annual Recap 2015

Dear Family and Friends,

We hope this Christmas Card finds you happy and well during this glorious 2015 Yuletide season.  It has been an interesting and challenging year for the Dessny family, to say the least.

Our cat, Fluffy, used up all nine of her lives after nibbling on a limited edition field of Stargazer Lilies that Zynga had given us without warning us that they were fatal to felines.

My daughter, Chooella found the poor pussycat lying there lifeless and did not know what to make of it.  While initially inconsolable, I sat her down and carefully explained to her that the cold, bony hand of death eventually comes for us all, and it was just Fluffy's time to enter the dark void of eternal nothingness.  I think she got the message.

Several days later I overheard her telling her brother, "Sleep is good, death is better; but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all."  I've never been so proud!  She sure is a chip off the old block!

Mrs. Choo had gone missing after a fateful day exploring the local cave in search of precious minerals we could sell at market to sustain the farm.  

I sent a robotic drone mounted with a remote webcam into the cave to search for her, but it was destroyed by a giant spider.  I fear that Mrs. Choo likely suffered the same fate.

When the children asked me where their mother was I did not have the heart to tell them that she was almost certainly murdered and eaten by a giant spider.  So instead, I told them, "Mommy ran away to another a farm because you are both very bad little children.  If you behave yourselves and work hard to finish your daily farm chores she may return to us some day."  It seems to have worked; our farm's productivity is up by 20%!

I joined the Farmers Only online dating service in hopes of finding a new wife, but they kicked me off  after numerous complaints.  

Apparently, gift wrapping my junk and sending pictures of it to random women was not the best approach to online dating.  You live and you learn!

Our dog Choo-Labby is still alive and well, but as you can see from our Christmas card, he insists on pissing on just about everything in sight, including the children.  I forgot to teach the children about not eating the yellow snow, but they seem to enjoy it, so who am I to spoil their fun?

Our other dog Choo-Collie was found hanging from a tree by the neck.  Apparently the arduous task of herding and barking at my farm animals all day long was too much for him to bear, so he took his own life.  

Choo, Jr. was the one who found him, and he was very upset.  He asked me if it's really true that all dogs go to Heaven.  I said, "Yes son, but only the good ones.  Suicidal dogs are condemned to burn in eternal hell fire."  He cried even harder then, but I think he learned a valuable life lesson that day.

Speaking of the children, Zynga has failed to provide them with winter clothes, in spite of my repeated requests.  Consequently, Choo Jr. has lost several toes to frostbite, and Chooella has cracked or lost most of her teeth on account of her incessant shivering and teeth chattering.

Hopefully the kids will survive the winter, because they are an invaluable source of free farm labor, but it's really anyone's guess.  The harsh brutalities of life on a farm always hit the little ones the hardest. 

I took Carlos to the vet after his wife Carlotta complained their eggs would not hatch.

The doctor examined him and informed us that the radiation exposure Carlos endured at Chernobyl had made him sterile.  

Upon learning of this, Carlotta broke into my General Store account and stole all of my farm bucks to purchase scores of turkeys to properly inseminate her.  Repeatedly.

She subsequently divorced Carlos and is believed to be living on a bunny ranch somewhere in Nevada.

As for me, I continue to crawl deeper and deeper into the bottle.  Between the theft of my life savings, the loss of my wife, the stress of running a farm that can barely sustain itself and the soul-crushing despair of my meaningless existence, I find that excessive consumption of alcohol is my only means of achieving even a modicum of the barely recognizable illusion of happiness I once knew.

Admittedly, this has led to many problems.  I often awake in strange places with no recollection of the events of the night prior.  Sometimes I wake up naked in jail and must read the list of charges pending against me in order to find out what I had done to get there.

I used to have hope.  Hope for myself, my family, my farm, and mankind.  But then I realized that hope in reality is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs the torments of man.  So now I just drink and I pray for the sweet embrace of death.

Yes, I said pray.  In spite of it all, I do still have faith in the almighty Cornfish God and I pray to him - not for my own salvation, for it is too late for me and all is lost - but for the damnation of the souls of those who cheat at the State Fair.  Your day of reckoning shall eventually come, and you shall pay dearly, you dirty sons of bitches!  May the vengeance of the Cornfish God soon be upon you!  You will beg for mercy, but none shall come!  Rot in hell, you bastards!

Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year and stuff!  <3

Spreading Christmas Cheer!


This is the fifty-third installment of Friday Facebook Foto Fun, where every Friday or so we have some fun with a random comment or picture that someone recently posted, shared or sent me on Facebook.

We have a two-for-one today in celebration of Christmas!


Friday, December 18, 2015

The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Death to Star Wars Haters


This is the fifty-second installment of Friday Facebook Foto Fun, where every Friday or so we have some fun with a random comment or picture that someone recently posted, shared or sent me on Facebook.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Choo's PSA: Merry Elfin' Christmas

This is another of Choo's famous public service announcements.  Or maybe it's the first one.  Ever.  I've had a lot of eggnog today, so it's really anyone's guess.  But this is something we need to talk about.

It seems a wandering band of elves has been going around ganging up on and bullying garden gnomes all over FarmVille county.  Now I know from the Hobbit movies that elves and dwarves don't get along too well, but I didn't know about the gnomes.

Anyway, it seems these friendly-looking elves are not as friendly as they appear.  They will surround and corner your garden gnome and intimidate him until he becomes very upset.  This is not nice behavior and must be stopped!

I am not sure how to handle this very serious problem, so please comment below and tell me your ideas.  No one ever comments on my blog.  C'mon now, blog readers!  You can't spare 5 or 10 seconds typing a thoughtful comment?  I promise I will publish it!  Post it anonymously if you want, I don't care.  So long as you don't mention my 1995 conviction for urinating on a mall Santa, I will publish your comment.  Give me a break, I was going through a difficult period in life and I was very inebriated.  I paid my debt to society, dammit, so back off!  Just tell me what to do about these evil elves, ok?

I'm pretty sure I saw one of them brandishing a switchblade. 

12/21/15 Update:
Thank you, farmer Janene for attempting to intercede on my garden gnome's behalf to rescue him from the malicious gang of elven bullies who've been mercilessly harassing him.  To no avail, unfortunately, but I do appreciate your concern!

Don't anyone else do this, please.  It is reckless, dangerous and wastes valuable visit energies that would be better spent speed-growing my 24-hour veggie crops.  You're aware there's a fiesta thingy going on right now, aren't you?  Sheesh.  I need over a million fiesta points to win those adorable animals.  Help a guy out!

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Choo's Helpful Farming Tips: New Year Fiesta

Well Christmas has yet to arrive, but I guess we're already celebrating New Year's.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Doesn't seem likely that I will be able to reach my grand prize goal of 1,121,000 Fiesta Points, but you know I am going to try my best.  Because I am a super-farmer extraordinaire, baby!  Oh yes!

But you know me, I'm a giver, so I took precious time out of my fanatical fiesta point accrual and stopped by the blog today to give you my super-helpful fiesta farming tip of the day.  And that is this:  Only the balloon crops which have the small veggie icon on them will give you points towards the fiesta challenge thingy.  As you can see, if you look closely, this one above has a tiny corn on it, so it is a good one to plant!

When it comes time to harvest your beautiful balloon crops, be sure to use your diamond shovel.  It will probably not give you any additional fiesta points, but it WILL make you feel superior to your lowly fair competitors who are too impoverished to be able to afford farm bucks, or too ethical to use cheats.  

Either way, screw them, right?  You are winning at life!

Happy farming!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Choo's Helpful Farming Tips: Alpacapella

Well, a new quest has arrived, and according to Cassandra Duvall, I need to grow a bunch of damn alpacas and feed them to my fleece machine.

Sorry if I sound peeved about this, but we all know how long alpacas take to grow.  It's like... forever!

Now, I guess I could use my speed-grow, but I'm saving that for a special occasion.  I mean, I might really, really need 654 speed-grows some day -- I can't predict the future!  (Which is what all of us pack rats tell ourselves about anything that would be depleted upon use; consequently we never use anything and are branded as "hoarders.")  So I decided to make the best of the time it would take them to fully mature...

I taught them to sing Christmas carols!  They're actually not half-bad!  Feel free to stop by the farm and see them.  They love visitors, and they take requests too!

Friday, December 11, 2015

The Purrminator


This is the fifty-first installment of Friday Facebook Foto Fun, where every Friday or so we have some fun with a random comment or picture that someone recently posted, shared or sent me on Facebook.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Choo's Diary: Gramophone Dance Party

Dear Diary,

Barbara was offering dancing lessons recently.  I was very apprehensive about it at first.  I had never really danced before.

But I mustered the courage to build my gramophone bench and gave it a try...


First, Barbara gave me a dance lesson.  She made it look so easy!  I was very impressed.

Next, it was my turn to do a dance solo.  I was so nervous!  But I think that I did it well,  Barbara was smiling at me and clapping the whole time.  She was very reassuring.

After that came the duet.  Barbara and I danced cheek to cheek!  I was so excited, and I think I did really well.  Barbara whispered in my ear that I could call her "Babsy."  I think she really likes me!

Finally we had reached the finale, and I had to dip barbara.  I was very worried that I would drop her on her head, but it turned out OK and I think at that very moment Barbara fell in love with me, and I with her.

When I lifted her back to her feet, Barbara was overwhelmed with passion, and she kissed me.  I never felt so alive.  But her husband Walter was there, and he witnessed this, and he was understandably very upset at the scene we had made.

So mad was he in fact, Walter pulled a gun on us, just as I was professing my love for Barbara.  Thank goodness my friend Neva Stynski was there and had the presence of mind to warn me!

Just as I was about to shield Barbara from the gunfire, my faithful doggie Choo-Labbie jumped in to save the day, knocking the gun from Walter's hand!

I felt cowardly, but I just had to get away.  I retreated to the safety of my workshop to contemplate the situation.  What should I do?  I had to come up with a plan for Barbara and I to be together!

After some time alone I had finally regained my composure and decided what must be done.  I had resolved to go and claim my Babsy!

After searching all over town I finally found them dining out, and Walter had stuck my poor sweet Babsy in a corner!  How could this be?   Not my Babsy - oh no!  I would not stand for it!  I marched right in there and gave Walter a piece of my mind!

And then I took my Babsy from that awful place, and we danced, and we danced, and we danced the night away!

I had the time of my life, Babsy.  And I owe it all to you!

Gramophone ice dancing, baby, YEAH!