Thursday, December 25, 2014

A Visit From St. Zynga

'Twas the day after the night before Christmas, when all through the farm,
not a creature was happy, not even the chicken, who Choo had named "Parm."

The tree was all trimmed and gave off a warm glow,
in hopes that Saint Zynga would eventually show.

The family was at the picnic table eating lasagna,
nightmares of farm labor had given them insomnia.

Carlos in only feathers, and me in my suspenders,
fed up with this eyesore, we began smashing its fenders.

When out on the lawn there was a barking sound,
so Carlos and I, we just turned right around.

There on the grass, relieving himself,
stood Zynga Claus, the jolly dog elf!

"What did you bring us?" I shouted with glee,
and after licking his balls, he spoke to me.

"I bring you warm regards from our HQ in Frisco,
and also some crackers, made by Nabisco!

"That's it?  What the hell?" I angrily shouted,
while Carlos just stood there and sullenly pouted.

"No free farm bucks, or animals, or new decorations?
You owe us something more, we demand reparations!

"All you farmers do is complain, until the cows come home!"
As he took me to task, his mouth began to foam.

"We've had to cut corners, for our stock's in decline,
and you ungrateful farmers, you just bitch and you whine.

"We've given you a game that you can play for free,
your refusal to spend money is what's killing me.

"But your game runs like crap, it crashes all the time!
Our farming experience is no longer sublime!

"We've had to outsource to India and do many lay-offs.
Yet we've given you new expansions and feeding troughs!

"But you've nerfed our spouse energy, and that of our child,
and your impossible crafting orders leave us beguiled!

"Listen, you ingrate, we don't owe you a thing.
We're Zynga, dammit.  It's us you're bankrupting!

"Now go buy some Farm Bucks and leave me alone,
I've got more visits to make, so throw me a bone.

"Throw you a bone?  You greedy, mangy mutt!
Count yourself lucky we don't kick your butt!

"But we gave you that holiday tree, decorated so gaily,
You can click it 12 times to earn a gift daily.

"Go ahead and try it, I'll wait over here,"
said he suspiciously, with a growl and a sneer.

I clicked on the tree and lo and behold,
it barfed out a present wrapped in green and gold.

I carefully unwrapped it, until its contents were freed,
but it wasn't what I wanted; more coins and super feed!

I returned to the lawn to yell at the dog,
but he'd already gone, and left me a yule log.

I glanced overhead and caught a glimpse of him fleeing,
I guess he had a long day ahead, of pooping and peeing.

As he flew away from my farm on his stupid sled,
I shook my fist at him, cursing him, and said, 

"Thanks for this game, riddled with so many a glitch,
goodbye and good riddance, you son of a bitch!

...but I don't think he heard me.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Turkey Trubl Co-Op Needs More Members!

The world famous Turkey Trubl Co-Op still has a few more membership positions available for serious and dedicated co-oppers who wish to join.  

This is fantastic news for you, as a trusted team of highly intelligent scientists informed me that the rare opportunity to join the most exclusive and elite co-op in the world may only come along once in the average person's lifetime!

Scientific fact: Wearing a lab coat and/or glasses makes you look smarter

I should mention it has been brought to my attention that our previous Turkey Trubl Co-Op Membership Questionnaire may have been a little bit too difficult.  

This is how most people felt while trying to complete our previous questionnaire

Many applicants were put off by the interminable series of bizarre and seemingly irrelevant personal questions.  Other potentials informed me they took exception to our mandatory requirement that they name their first-born child "Turkey Trubl, Jr."  While still others objected to the part about having to donate all their worldly possessions to the Turkey Trubl Co-Op, abandon their families, and permanently relocate to live and work with us at our agricultural compound in Choostown, Guyana.

Aerial view of Choostown agricultural compound.  We don't serve Kool-Aid, but we have plenty of coffee and beer.

Hey, it's ok, I understand.  It's a big commitment.

Therefore I have created a new Turkey Trubl Co-Op Membership Questionnaire which features considerably less questions and no wrong answers.  So now there's no excuse not to join us!

See ya 'round the compound!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

When Will You People Learn?

Here's another example of why you should never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, ever, nerver, nenver, nevanevanen, nenverinero, nevernev, novenvaun, venvervevree complain to Zynga about anything, ever.

If you read carefully between the lines of this official Zynga player support article, you will find there is actually a hidden message embedded therein.  As a thoughtful gentleman, I have taken the time to painstakingly decipher it for you:

"Aww, was it really so difficult clicking a single button to post for Expansion Maps or Spot Lights, etc.?  Did it actually take a few days to gather everything you needed for the expansion that you couldn't actually afford to buy anyway until nine weeks later?  You poor, whiny little babies.  Well now you get to use all your precious hard-earned favors to acquire your expansions and achieve that pathetic sense of instant gratification for which you so desperately yearn.  Oh, but did we mention that you still have to do the arbitrary crafting requirements?  Yup.  35 Raspberry Cheesecakes and 45 Spicy Cornbreads, please.  Get to work on that; should take you a while.  Happy now, suckers?  Go ahead, complain some more.  We'll just figure out a new way to screw you over, while subtly blaming it on your 'feedback'  and cleverly characterizing it as 'helping you.'  We're Zynga.  Deal with it.  Muhahahaha!"