Sunday, November 22, 2015

Otterly Ridiculous

As many of you know, Zynga despises me on account of the countless exposés I've written about them over the years on my blog, such as the time when I exposed the dangers of their Yerba Mate crop, the time when I revealed Cornelius' double-life as a cold-blooded killer, the time when I brought the senseless deaths and disfigurements occurring at the pig races to light, the time when I encouraged everyone to answer Zynga's surveys in a nonsensical manner in order to entertain the interns they enslave, the time when I exposed Zynga's evil plan to replace all of us with robots and the time when I revealed my evidence that Zynga had murdered everyone's favorite farmhand, Buck.

As I have warned you all before, Zynga is a vindictive corporation that enjoys making things worse on us when we complain to them about anything, such as the time when their 1 hour "maintenance" lasted all night and improved nothing, and that time last Christmas when they sent their evil dog to defile my farm.  Zynga will stop at nothing to silence their detractors, and this is why I have become their favorite target.  They even tried to shut my blog down that one time, remember?

Clearly they have been trying to force me to quit playing FV2 by making each of my quests exceedingly difficult, and this one is no exception.  Feeding 500 otters per race is quite a challenge indeed, but as you all know from previous challenges I have undertaken, such as making 220 Bries and collecting 155,000 flower points for FarmVille's Frustrating Flower Fiasco, I relish a difficult challenge.  Especially because I know with the help of you, my wonderful friends and neighbors, no task is insurmountable!  

Therefore I humbly beseech you, my loyal and faithful neighbors, to please visit my farm and ruthlessly force-feed every last one of the ten otters that I have mercilessly imprisoned within the small pen at the forefront of my farm.  

If they resist, simply grab them by the scruff of their necks with one hand while using a gardening trowel to cram shovelfuls of feed down their throats with the other.  If one tries to bite you, don't worry, that just means it is extra hungry and you should feed it twice.

Yes, it's true, all of this mindless feeding has made them fat and listless.  Each race takes between 25 and 30 minutes to complete as the cute corpulent critters flounder and waddle, breathlessly meandering around the racetrack towards the finish line at a snail's pace.

Yes, some of them have unfortunately died from exhaustion, diabetes and high blood pressure.  And there was that one time we don't like to talk about when one of their obese little hearts literally exploded during a feeding.

But the important thing is that I receive my coin winnings and my lovely Dorset sheep, so please help me!  Feed them.  Feed them with reckless abandon.  Feed them like there is no tomorrow.  Feed them like it's Thanksgiving, Christmas and the 4th of July all rolled into one.  Don't even think twice about it, just feed them.  Thank you.  Oh yeah, and water the trees too, please.  Thanks.

Otters! <3

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