Monday, October 5, 2015

Facebook Sechoority

"Good artists copy, great artists steal."
~Pablo Picasso

A while back I saw many of my fellow Facebook users posting a legal privacy notice on their wall to protect their copyright and privacy rights, thereby preventing Facebook from stealing their pictures and stuff.

But I heard it was just a silly hoax so I never did that.

Well I guess I should have, because today I was posting stuff from FV2 and I got one of those obnoxious security pop-ups that forces the user to identify a bunch of pictures.  You know the ones?  Usually it's just lions, waterfalls or wristwatches or something like that you need to click on, but today it was... ME!?

Facebook has apparently stolen all of my Facebook pictures to use in their dumb security check thingy!  Unbelievable!

If anyone knows of a good lawyer experienced in dealing with these kinds of cyber shenanigans, please let me know.  Clearly I must take action to stop Facebook's theft from me of all my pictures that I stole from FV2!

I have many coins in FV2 so I will hire the best internet legal team that fake money can buy, and we will take Facebook to court, and it will be the TRIAL OF THE CENTURY.  

I bet they'll even make an awesome movie out of it!

Maybe it will be one of those Nick Cage-y action thrillers.  I play a master thief (the Nick Cage role, of course), and me and my accomplice pull off this epic heist.  We steal a bunch of awesome pictures from FV2, but then on the way home we get into a big argument, and he's like "No, I get 60, you get 40!"  And I'm all like, "No way José, this was a 50/50 kinda deal!" 

So then I knock him out cuz I'm like a big tough guy and stuff, and I go home and post all the cool stolen FV2 pics to my Facebook wall.  But then Facebook hires my ex-accomplice to steal them back and I'm like, "Oh no you di-int!"

So the rest of the movie I act out all the usual clichés of a typical revenge flick, going to Facebook HQ and killing all the Facebook guys, and then ultimately tracking down my ex-accomplice and killing him with extreme prejudice, getting all my pictures back in the process.  BAM!  Happy ending, yo!  Choo Dessny wins again!

OK, so I guess that sounds kinda lame.  I never actually watched this movie, so I had to just assume it was a total crap-fest like most Nicholas Cage movies.

Now that I think about it, my movie would probably work better as one of those Tom Cruise-y kind of courtroom dramas.

I will play myself who is my own lawyer (the Tom Cruise role, of course) suing Facebook for the theft of my pictures.  At first the judge will be all like, "That's a bad idea, Mr. Dessny.  A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client!"  (They always say this, LOL!)  And I'll be all like "Yeah, whateverz judge!"  Blowing off his admonishment with a wave of my hand, because I'm just too cool for school and totally handsome and what not.  

Then things start heating up when I call Mark Zuckerberg to the stand, and he's all smarmy and condescending, and he's like, "Yeah kid, I own Facebook and everything on it, so take your best shot."

So then I'm like asking him a bunch of questions and stuff and it looks like he's getting the better of me the whole time until I notice a minor contradiction in his testimony or something, and I'm like, "Oh yeah Mr. Facebook guy, so what about what you said earlier about you inventing 'pokes'?"  And Zuckerberg's thinking, "Oh crap, he got me there."  Then you can see he starts sweating and looking a bit nervous.

Sensing Zuckerberg's weakness I become more emboldened and just keep hammering him with random questions about Facebook and stuff:
  • "Do you believe Facebook hinders face to face communication skills?"
  • "Why doesn't Facebook have a dislike button?"
  • "How much bandwidth does it take to keep Facebook operational?"
  • "Why can't I change privacy for my cover picture?"
  • "How do I block Candy Crush?"
  • "What color is this dress?"
  • "How many hoodies do you own?"
  • "Is Facebook planning to build a self-aware Facebook data-supplied robot in the near future?"
Eventually Zuckerburg becomes visibly enraged when he refuses to answer any more questions and I tell him I am like totally entitled to the truth or something, and he's all like, "Oh no, don't even go there, you can't handle that."  Then he delivers a long speech while completely oblivious to the fact that he is coming off as totally batshit insane to everyone else in the room, even Kevin Bacon who by this point is thinking, "Oh crap, this is totally not going the way I expected it to go!"

I think Zuckerburg's speech might go something like:
"Son, we live in a Facebook that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded against unsafe links by picture-based security protocols.  Who's gonna do it?  You?  I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.  You weep for your stolen pictures, and you curse the Facebook.  You have that luxury.  You have the luxury of not knowing what I know.  That stolen Facebook pictures, while tragic, probably saved links.  And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves links.  You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that Facebook wall, you need me on that Facebook wall.  We use words like poke, like, news feed, and status update.  We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending Facebook. You use them as a punchline.  I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very Facebook that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it.  I would rather you just said thank you, and scrolled through your feed.  Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a laptop, and make a Facebook post.  Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."
Then the bailiff takes Zuckerburg into custody and he's all like, "Wait, what?"  And I'm all like, "Heh heh, victory is mine you smug punk!"  Then Zuckerburg gets all angry and starts waving his arms around and yelling at me like, "I'm gonna ban you from Facebook you SOB!"  So then I get all up in his face real close, because I'm totally not scared of him since I can still play FV2 on, and I'm all, "Don't you call me SOB, I'm a lawyer and also a farmer in the FarmVille 2 game, and you are under arrest!"  Then I'm like, "The witness is excused, LOL!"  So Zuckerburg defeatedly picks up his hoodie from the floor (he had ripped it off earlier when he was yelling at me, I forgot to mention that part), and then the bailiff dudes totally haul him off to Facebook jail!

Sweet triumph!

Then probably the judge gives me a subtle little nod of approval as if to say, "I was wrong about you son, you are the most bad-ass lawyer-farmer dude in all the land."  And everybody else is giving me like all kinds of high fives and ass slaps and stuff.

Then I'm like so ecstatic with the outcome I go start jumping on Oprah's couch and stuff.

The end.

Yeah, I kinda like that one.  Good stuff there, right?

But honestly, I really don't know what kind of movie it will be yet.  All I know is it will be totally epic, because if there's one thing I know - it's MOVIES.  Because I watch a LOT of them.

Well at least I used to watch a lot of movies...

Before Facebook.

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