Friday, April 1, 2016

The Farming Dead

Dear Diary,
Percy wanted to throw a prank party for April Fool's Day.  So of course he comes to my farm for help like he always does, because his rotten parents, Barbara and Walter, neglect and ignore him.

The kid really gets on my nerves, but I feel sorry for him so I often grudgingly agree to help him out with whatever dumb thing he's planning to do each week.

Unfortunately that means I always end up getting stuck having to build some worthless junk for him, because the poor kid is useless and can't seem to do anything for himself.  The little brat doesn't even help me build any of his crap, he just makes me do all the work and shows up when it's done!

This time I have to build a "Prank Pedestal," which is basically just a fancy table that Percy's going to use to stage crappy pranks on his friends.  It's actually kind of shocking this lame kid has any friends at all.

Maybe that's why all his "friends" look a few years younger than him.  Probably no one his own age wants hang out with him.  Look at this little girl pulling ribbon out of a box.  What a thrilling prank, Percy!  Yawn.  At least for Percy's sake she's still too young to figure out what a dork he is.  Look at his blank, emotionless stare.  I'd swear there's something seriously wrong with that kid.  It's like he's dead behind the eyes or something.  The lights are on, but nobody's home.

Oooh, a jack-in-the box!  Another timeless classic!  Congratulations, Percy, you successfully pranked a five year old girl!  You master prankster, you!  Sure, you placed it facing the wrong way, but we won't mention that.  Wouldn't wanna hurt your feelings.  Meantime, this poor little girl is going to grow up hating her mother for that one time she forced her to play with Percy.

So, here I am, hosting Percy's silly little prank parties when Carlos notices and alerts me to something strange going on behind my back.



Fortunately, Carlos and I are huge fans of The Walking Dead, so we knew exactly how to handle this situation.

I took the knife from the little girl...

 ...and then I went to town on those dirty zombies!

The key to killing zombies is you have to stab or shoot them in the brain.  If you get them in any other part of the body they just keep coming!

Unfortunately, killing zombies can get really, really messy!  Yuck!  Zombie blood everywhere!

The only good zombie is a DEAD zombie!

I thought that was the end of it...

But more zombies were coming!  Wow they moved really fast for zombies.  Aren't zombies supposed to just shamble along?  These zombies were like Olympic sprinter zombies!

Carlos offered to hold them off while I fetched my trusty pitchfork.  I knew he could handle it.  Ever since he got stuck in a hot air balloon over the Chernobyl nuclear reactor that one time, he developed the ability to shoot a laser-like beam from his snood.  It comes in handy when I get a sudden craving for fried chicken.

Carlos easily dispatched those zombies!

Then Percy comes up to me and tells me the zombies weren't real?!  WTF?  

This stupid kid talked my neighbors into dressing and acting like zombies to prank ME at his dumb prank party!

Now all my neighbors are dead because of Percy's silly prank.  See, kids?  Pranking is dangerous!  Don't do it!  It all seems like harmless fun until everyone dies.  Then it's not so fun anymore.

Well needless to say, I had quite enough of this little moron... was time for me to introduce Percy to the flowers.

Well I guess it turns out that Percy was a better prankster than I gave him credit for.  I reckon I might just miss that kid a little bit after all.  Oh well.

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