Disclaimer: That liability waiver you had to click to get here may have slightly over-hyped the lame series of images you are about to not enjoy as much as you thought you would, but I had to be sure nobody would be offended. Because I know the worst crime imaginable is to offend someone on the internet, and I really don't need that on my conscience. So, before we begin, please allow me to apologize in advance for your imminent and inevitable disappointment with this post: Sorry.
I try to be a nice person, I really do. I think of myself as a good-natured fellow, generally. But I know there are times when I can be an insufferable bastard too.
Deep down inside I think I'm like most everyone else. Which is to say that I just want to make people happy, create beauty and joy in the world, be loved and respected, and receive oral gratifications from many beautiful and exotic women. But sometimes I also want to satire, mock, corrupt and destroy sacred things for my own amusement. It's childish, I know; but at times I just can't help myself. I don't know what my problem is, I just know that there are two sides to me, and sometimes the bad side comes out. That doesn't make me a bad person, does it?
It does? Oh well, maybe I'm just a miserable troll without any hope for redemption.
Like most miserable trolls, I tend to be petty and vindictive at times. So if someone does something to hurt my feelings (stop laughing, I have them!) I will make it my life's mission to get back at them in some horrible way that is ten times worse than whatever they did to me.
In reality that usually just translates into me benignly poking fun at them in a crudely rendered comic strip. Because, let's face it, I am basically just a cowardly little man-child.
You're probably wondering at this point why I'm sharing all of this useless information about the shitty side of my disposition. The reason being, to provide you with some insight as to why the following series of posts, which came into existence during my brief but storied sojourn at the FarmVille Nutters Society, took the course they did.
It all started one day when Mariela Summer, who nobody liked, taunted me in a post.
Many people at the FarmVille Nutters Society witnessed this, but only one of them dared click "like" on it: Ian Dilsworth!
That rotten bastard! How dare he?
(He later explained that he usually doesn't read posts, he just clicks "like" on them, which strikes me as abysmally stupid both in terms of one's general Facebook behavior, and as an explanation for one's general Facebook behavior. But, whatever.)
Of course, seeing that Ian had "liked" Mariela's post instantly filled me with intense feelings of rage and overwhelming thoughts of vengeance; because, like I may have mentioned earlier, I am a petty and vindictive man-child.
But I really didn't have anything planned for Ian at the moment, so I just went to bed and dreamt of revenge... and butterflies.
The next day I had all but forgotten the entire incident. I went merrily on my way, visiting my friends' farms and engaging in lighthearted banter. Little did I know at the time that a random post I would make about Christie's teddy bear sheep would lead me down the path to retribution...
You see, I simply noticed a weird thing on my friend Christie's farm that I had never seen before. It was a sheep zipped up inside a teddy bear suit! It occurred to me that treating an animal in such a way was a bit inhumane, so I posted a picture in the FarmVille Nutters Society group bringing this to Christie's attention.
Christie explained that it was all a big misunderstanding, and the sheep, who she calls "Fozzy," was perfectly fine. I was about to call PETA back to cancel the complaint I had lodged against Christie earlier, but it was too late. PETA had raided Christie's farm!
Turns out Christie's sheep was actually pretty disgruntled after all, and informed PETA about Christie's crimes against animalkind.
Then Christie posted a picture of her and her boyfriend Ian Dilsworth wearing disguises and trying to fool PETA!
So at this point I'm thinking, "She brought Ian Dilsworth into this?! Oh, snap! It must be my lucky day!"
Christie and Ian were unable to pull the wool over PETA's eyes though, because Fozzy ratted them out!
So then Christie apparently decided PETA was no match for her witchcraft, so she revealed herself and Ian to the PETA patrol and started threatening them! Bad idea, Christie. Everyone knows you don't threaten PETA!
Needless to say, PETA ran them both down with their PETA-van. Because animals are better than people. Poor Ian got the worst of it. It was one of the bloodiest vehicular manslaughter-decapitations in PETA history, I believe.
Christie, being a witch, tried to bring Ian back with her magic; but to no avail.
Realizing after PETA had gone that they had neglected to remove Fozzy from his costume, I took matters into my own hands and humanely put the poor animal out of its misery.
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| There's Something About Christie |
So, I think it's pretty clear what the moral of today's story is: Don't fuck with PETA!
Happy hollow weenie!
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