Zen and the Art of Gift Giving

Marie, like most people, is excited to receive a gift.
That is, until she opens that box and finds a brick inside.

Whoever said "Never look a gift horse in the mouth" probably never played Farmville 2 and received a gifted brick from a neighbor.  Gifts of bricks, wood planks and metal are basically worthless to any FV2 player who has progressed beyond level, I don't know, seven or so.  I can't even remember the last time I needed one of these items for anything.  I think it was many levels ago when I might have needed some bricks to build a well or something.  Now they are just another random piece of  detritus collecting dust in my inventory.

This is my "WTF? Another brick?" face.
Ditto for feed, metal and wood planks.

Fortunately, I am here to show you that there are much better gifts that you could be sending to your friends than bricks and the like.  In this article we will endeavor to delicately explore this sensitive issue.

The first thing you must know is that the game allows you to send a free gift to your friends every 18 hours.  To do so, simply click on your mailbox, as pictured here:

These used to exist before e-mail.

Upon clicking the mailbox you will receive the following screen showing the different types of gifts you can send, most of which are completely worthless and should be eliminated from the standard set of gift options by the game devs.

Nobody needs feed, wood plank, brick or metal gifts.  Don't send that crap!

The only gifts that matter to anyone, and consequently the only gifts you should ever send to your neighbors, are water and fertilizer.  So just ignore all that other garbage, it's useless! 

I find that one good way to be a helpful neighbor is to alternate sending out a free water to all of my friends one day, and then fertilizer the next.

Here I am sending out free water to all my friends one day:

Free water for everyone!  Yay!
This makes you at least 500% more awesome to your neighbors.

And here I am sending out free fertilizer to all my friends the next day:

Free fertilizer for everyone!  Yay!
My usefulness as a neighbor just increased by a factor of 1,000!

See how easy that was?  Does this make me a saint?  No.  It just makes me a not-so-horrible neighbor.  It's easy to share a little kindness with your friends in the form of consumable resources, and it doesn't take anything away from you.  That is to say, when you send a water or a fertilizer to your neighbor, the game isn't going to deduct any water or fertilizer from your own supplies; so don't be stingy!  Resolve to send useful gifts each day.

What's more, it's not an entirely selfless gesture.  Because the more water and fertilizer you send your friends, the more you get back from them.  Just like in that one Beatles song!

Most of my neighbors seem to understand this concept well, and happily reciprocate.  But a certain number of them either don't get it or don't care, because they constantly send me an endless supply of the aforementioned worthless items, in spite of the generosity and goodwill I have repeatedly demonstrated towards them via my daily gifts of water and fertilizer. 

Which of these things is not like the others?

 
Every time I receive such a lousy gift I can't help but to feel a little bit sad and wonder to myself what the person could possibly be thinking.  Do they really think that I needed another "Metal" or do they just not like me?  Well, Sandra, which is it?

 Excuse me?

I asked, which is it?  You just sent me
a gift of metal.  So, do you really think
I need metal or do you just not like me?

 You don't need metal?

Uhh, no. Not really.

 How about wood plank?

No thank you.

 Brick?

No, I have no need for any of these things.

That's the point I've been trying to make!

OK well tomorrow I send you a feed
then, OK?  I must go to farm now, bye.

Wait, no!  Don't!  Not feed!

Aww crap, she's already gone.

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Ugh.  Where was I...

Ah yes, my inventory is full of these things.

I can hold no more, yet still they come.

A perpetual influx of items that I do not need, cannot use and do not want.

What is the point of sending me these things?
 

Screen caps of the useless wood, metal and brick gifts rotting away in my inventory.

Apparently I can hold a maximum of 12 wood planks, 16 metals and 12 bricks.  If the game did not place any restriction on the number of these items one can store, the true counts would undoubtedly be in the four to five figure range, and counting. 

Sometimes the game will sneakily try and trick you into asking for one of these pointless items yourself.

Ask my friends for a free brick?  Umm, no.

Don't fall for it!  Just click the little X and cancel this thing.  The next time you reload you will be offered something else.  Keep doing so until you get a water or fertilizer one, and then ask friends for that instead.  Take it from your Uncle Choo, you'll be glad that you did!

Hi Choo.
I sent you that brick you asked for.

I didn't ask for any brick, hocine!
What the hell?

Are you sure?  I could have sworn
I saw you asking for free bricks just now.

I assure you, I did not ask for a brick, hocine.

In fact, I was just demonstrating how not to ask for a brick.

Are you sure?  Because bricks are very useful.
You can build many things with them!

I don't think so. After you progress beyond

a certain level, bricks become quite useless.

Are you sure?
Because I thought that bricks are very good..

You thought wrong, friend.

Bricks serve no purpose, at least at my level.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. 

Please stop asking me if I'm sure about everything.

So what level are you then?

81.

Wow, that's pretty high.
So I guess you think you are better than me, huh?

What?  No. Of course not.

That's not what this is about at all, hocine.

Are you sure?  Because you sound like you think
you are all all high and mighty, sitting there in your
ivory tower, spitting on us lowly bricklayers.

That's not what I think at all, hocine.

I'm just saying that you could be sending better gifts than...

(Throws a Brick at Choo's head.)

OUCH!

What is wrong with you man?

I was just showing you another good use for bricks!
Happy now, you ungrateful jerk?

No, hocine, I am not happy.

I am bleeding.

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OK, so let me just wipe up some of this blood and try to recover my train of thought and we'll move on...  I have to be more careful.  This is clearly a very personal topic and I seem to be offending my neighbors...  Now, what's next, hmmm.  Ahhh yes, feed.  Someone please go ahead, ask me about feed.

Hello?

Anyone here?

Oh screw it, I'll just continue to pretend this blog actually has followers and ask myself...

"But what about feed?" you ask.  "Every farmer needs lots and lots of feed each day.  Isn't that a good gift?"

I'm so glad you asked that.  No, it is not.  Not a good gift at all.

Let's do a little bit of feed mill math to learn why:

This is my Feed Mill. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

As you can see here, grinding up just one cucumber in my feed mill will produce 15 feed.  So, mathematically speaking, one feed equates to 1/15th of a cucumber.  If I chopped the average cucumber into 15 pieces, this is what one of those pieces would look like:

Therefore when you send your friend a gift of feed, you are essentially just giving them a small slice of a cucumber, which is not even enough cucumber for a small salad.  Not really very helpful, is it Mariagioia?

You are talking to me?

Yes

What do you want?

Nothing, I was just explaining 

how feed isn't a very helpful gift.

You don't like my gift?

Well it's nothing personal, 

it's just that...

Screw you then you ungrateful SOB!

Wait, what?  

No, I was just...

You are bad neighbor. I delete you now!  Goodbye!

But... 

Oh never mind.

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This article is not going well at all.

I don't know why I bothered. 

Well I think we had better end it here.  I'm feeling a bit light-headed after taking that brick to the temple, and I really do need to go lie down.

So just to summarize, suffice it to say, water and fertilizer.  Just send those.  Nothing else.

 

WAIT!  You forget to say wood plank.
You cannot talk about best gift and not say  
wood plank! Wood Plank is best gift ever!  Here, have one.

No, you're missing the point, Mario!

I do not want wood planks.
It is not a good gift.

I can sharpen it for you?

What?
Sharpen what?

Wood plank. You say it is missing point?
I make one end sharp and pointy like spear!
You like wood plank now?

No, no, no.
That's not what I meant at all.

Here, try it.
(Tosses sharpened wood plank at Choo)

OUCH!
Oh God, you've skewered me!
Why?!?

So sorry.
Maybe next time you don't look gift horse in mouth, yes?

Good grief.  I give up.
I don't feel so good...

This article was a bad idea.  Someone please call 911.

Workshop Flop

Now you tell me!  Sheesh...

What to do now?  Maybe I can blow one up?  Does someone have some explosives?

I found some dynamite. Now, just have to set the timer with enough time to get me and my animals away safely...

Ok, I set the timer. Everyone take cover!

Oh no, something is wrong with this dynamite... I will try to fix it...

Ooops, I think I clipped the wrong wire?

Mission accomplished! 2nd workshop is gone! But uhh... I appear to be slightly on fire. Anyone have any water?

Oh no, all my wells are empty! I used the water earlier, for farming!

Oh man, I can't believe I forgot all about the RIVER!! Ahhh, soothing cool waters... All better now.

Farm Wars Canceled Due To Cheating!

I am very sad to report that last week's Farm Wars turned out to be a total bust.  I was excited about this little contest, and it was really fun the first few days with some frenzied competition and good-natured ribbing between the competitors over at the Get ur Groove with FV 2 Facebook group.  We had a message thread there devoted to the contest where Cathy and I would squabble while our friends got in on the fun by making their own comments, instigating mock strife and cheering us on (most of them rooting for Cathy Perry).

But then it turned ugly.

Cathy was perplexed and upset that I was maintaining a lead of 1000+ points over her, so she started making reckless and baseless accusations that I was using a golden shovel; the purchase of which was prohibited by the rules we established for the contest.

This is what I said to Cathy when she accused me.

Of course, any notion that I was using a Golden Shovel is utterly preposterous and easily disproved by virtue of the way the golden shovel works.

Picture of Golden Shovel in action taken from Zynga's County Fair Guide

For those who don't know, when you buy a golden shovel, the points for every prized good you harvest for the following 24 hours is doubled.  Now, when you have a low medal like a bronze or silver, it is not uncommon to get 30+ points per prized good without a golden shovel.  But once you rise to the level of Platinum medal, such as Cathy and I both have, even your fully mastered crops and trees yield no more than 8-13 points or so.

My understanding of the reason behind this is that the game has a built-in handicap, supposedly designed to even the playing field for everyone (but more likely designed to persuade advanced players to buy golden shovels). Hence, the higher you rise through the County Fair ranks in medal levels, the lower the value of your prized harvests.  It"s counter-intuitive, I know.  But this is how Zynga apparently chose to do it.

Which brings me to the reason why Cathy's suggestion that I had purchased a golden shovel was ludicrous, as well as the evidence I uncovered that Cathy was the one who appeared to have actually purchased a golden shovel and cheated!  Here are screen-caps taken from the County Fair wagon showing my best prize good (left) and Cathy's (right), circled in red.

These screenshots were taken on the eve before the County Fair of Thursday, January 9, 2014.

Notice a minor disparity in point values there?  As you can see, my best prize good is a 13 point heirloom grapefruit, while Cathy's best prize good is a 36 point heirloom acorn!  Obviously, were I using a golden shovel I would be getting much more than 13 measly little points for my prize goods, and therefore Cathy's accusations were total nonsense.

But Cathy's little "best-defense-is-a-good-offense" approach to Farm Wars backfired on her, since by pointlessly calling me out, she caused me to look at her best prize goods; and lo and behold that's when I caught Cathy red-handed in possession of prize goods in the 36 point range -- 23 points more than my best ever!  Golden Shovel, indeed!

"How could this be?" I wondered.  We are both Platinum Medal XVII, so all things should be equal insofar as our ability to compete with each other on a level playing field for prize good points commensurate with our platinum medals.  After pondering it for a bit I reached the conclusion that there could be no other explanation - Cathy must be using a Golden Shovel!

So after this little discovery of mine, I was like,

And Cathy was like,

And so I asked her point blank,
 

She tried to deny it, feigning ignorance!  Which of course begged the follow-up question,

First she said "Oh, I have big trees, so they give me big acorns!"

Which was an asinine thing to say.  Obviously she was panicking, now just realizing that she had been caught in the act!  So, after pressing further, her excuse changed to, "Oh, I know, it must be due to mastery!"

So I told her that is BS, because my grapefruit trees are fully mastered and yet they only yield 13 point prized goods at best.  Mastery alone cannot explain a 36 point acorn!

A screenshot of my grapefruit tree ribbons. Blue=Fully mastered

So then her excuse changed to, "I know what happened now... It must be a Zynga glitch!"

Now, I will be the first to admit, this game is riddled with all manner of bugs, glitches and screw-ups.  But if Cathy's 36 point acorn is owing to such a thing, it would be the first time in the history of the world that any player has ever benefited from a "Zynga glitch."

As anyone who has played this game for any length of time knows, the usual Zynga glitch is the gaming experience equivalent of being repeatedly smacked across the face with a dirty rubber chicken. 

Which is to say, it is never what one would describe as a pleasant experience.

For instance, Kathy Jones and I have been suffering a glitch where every time we achieve a mastery ribbon, as well as each time we attempt to store an elder tree in inventory, our game crashes.  In poor Kathy's case, this has been going on for weeks.  According to Zynga, "We are completely aware of this matter and rest assured this will be corrected soon."  Which in Zynga-speak translates to, "Yeah, yeah we know, we know.  Now stop bugging us about it.  We'll get to it eventually.  Maybe."  But I digress.

It is worthy to note that Cathy's best prize crop this week is a 12 point cherry.  So not only would Cathy have us believe that this was the first time in the history of the world that any player has ever benefited from a Zynga glitch, but it was also the fastest glitch ever fixed by Zynga in history!

Fastest glitch-fix in history, or she just hasn't bought a golden shovel yet this week? You make the call!

Even though I felt that I knew the truth, I thought I'd give Cathy enough rope to hang herself the benefit of the doubt, so I came up with the brilliant stupid idea of  suggesting we each take screenshots of our respective game dashboards to prove once and for all that no Golden Shovel had been purchased by either of us.  I posted mine first, as a gesture of good faith.

I knew almost as soon as I proposed this ill-conceived idea of mine that Cathy would simply claim to be incapable of figuring out how to post a screenshot, even though it was a 10 second/3 keystroke procedure that any small child could accomplish, and even after it was fully elucidated, illustrated and demonstrated for her via detailed tutorials, diagrams, YouTube videos, etc.

This way she could stall me while the timer on her shovel ticked away and expired!

I predicted that once the shovel disappeared from her dashboard hours later, she would magically proclaim, "Eureka!  I have just this very second mastered the elusive screenshot ability!" while posting a worthless belated screenshot of her suddenly clean dashboard, devoid of the Golden Shovel which was undoubtedly evident there just moments prior to expiring.

Lynn Hubbard's valiant efforts to help were in vain.

Sure enough just as I predicted, about four hours later and after much hemming and hawing about how she needed to wait for Kathy Jones to come home from work in order to provide her with a series of hand-drawn step-by-step diagrams indicating how to accomplish the monumental task at hand, Cathy posted her triumphant screenshot.

At this point Cathy's friends all rallied around her to applaud her new-found screenshot ability, completely oblivious to the fact that it no longer mattered one iota, due to the time which had elapsed since I posted mine.  Clearly, the timer on the shovel had run out, and the shovel icon had disappeared from her dashboard by this point.  This fact seemed to be lost on everyone, and it all became a singular celebration of Cathy's miraculous screenshot accomplishment.

It was like watching a party being thrown for an infant who had just successfully made their first bowel movement inside a potty training apparatus.

For the record, I like Cathy and consider her a friend.  I haven't known her for too long, but thus far she has proven herself to be a good FV2 neighbor, a fun person to interact with online and a genuinely good person deep down inside (when she's not molesting my buffalo or threatening to murder my turkey, Carlos).

So the last thing I ever wanted to believe is that she would try to cheat me or lie to me and completely ruin our fun little contest.  But I also know that she is very competitive and quite fond of purchasing Golden Shovels in the past.

Perhaps it may appear that I take this game too seriously, but I really don't.  It's just that I abhor cheating and lying on general principle, and also I am a man of logic, so things need to make sense to me - especially when my BS detector has been set off by blatant chicanery.  Given this, how could I ignore the inexplicable incongruity in our respective prize good values and the inane explanations for same that my competitor provided?  Unless someone has a better explanation, the only viable one I can come up with is that Cathy used a Golden Shovel.

There is little doubt in my mind if I hadn't opened my big mouth that day, the 1,000 point gap would have mysteriously closed by the following day, and Cathy would be in the lead, courtesy of her Golden Shovel.  But I guess we'll never know for certain.  Only one person knows for sure, and she's sticking to her story of denial; however implausible it may be.

My blog is very popular!

So I put it to you, my many many loyal followers, tell us in the comments below, what do you think happened?  Did Cathy buy a Golden Shovel and try to cheat?  If not, where do you think the 36 point acorn come from?  The giant acorn fairy?

OK, how about this. If you agree with me, just say nothing.  Don't even leave a comment.  Your many many numerous silences will speak volumes, thereby proving my theory correct!

Also, earlier this week, this happened:

"Grammar Nazis? On my FV2?"  It's more likely than you think.